“We all like to feel that we’re completely open, but if you look at even healthy, satisfied relationships and families, they avoid things,” says John Caughlin, a professor of communication at the University of Illinois. Indeed, topic avoidance—which differs from secret keeping in that both parties might be aware of the unspoken subject—is commonly employed by couples and families in small, strategic ways. “Every little issue does not need to be discussed with your partner,” says Jennifer Bevan, a professor of communication at Chapman University in Orange, California. “You didn’t want to go to that particular movie? Well, that’s a compromise—that’s being in a relationship.” Constant venting of tiny stressors and criticisms can quickly hack away at the core of a relationship. Setting privacy thresholds, therefore, is the way we keep the peace and protect our identity and that of others instead of blurting out uncensored thoughts.