When I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in early 2011, I knew my tough journey was just beginning. I was in a late stage of cancer that developed from my endometriosis and there are not too many other cases that have been studied and undergone clinical trials. There is no cure for this disease, but I am a fighter that never gives up. I do believe that my courage, my strong will and love will make a difference, and make a miracle happen! After I was diagnosed, many of my friends came from all over the world to care for my son. They used their personal vacation time and helped me care for my son for over 6 months so that my husband could take care of me in the hospital. When one of my best friends heard that I had late stage cancer, she quit her new job and flew to Boston the next day. She took care my son for two months. I received so much extraordinary love from my friends, and now, I must fight for survival to show my friends my gratitude. I feel it is important to return the love.
In looking back on my journey with cancer, it is heart-breaking. It has been a tough journey and the most challenge time in my life. It is not easy to overcome all of the difficulties that I have had and to survive: a severe surgery site infection, sepsis, acute kidney failure after surgery and also the side effects from chemo. I am a very lucky person to have many friends to support me in my journey. My condition is similar to many other cancer patients. I have had pain and severe infection, one surgery after another, with the “death cloud” always around me.
When I think about my cancer, this is how I deal with it. I always told myself that I already have late stage cancer, and there is still no good treatment.
Any negative thoughts, any fear of death, any uncertainty or worry will decrease my chance of survival. No matter how bad the disease, no matter how bad the condition, there are always the brave and strong who can survive. Courage, strong-will, a positive attitude and love can change the outcome for cancer patients. Where there is great love, there will be miracles. Living with late stage cancer, opened a big door for me to care and to love, to try to make a difference for all cancer patients. The hope is in our (Cancer Patients) own hands. My life may be longer or shorter depending on "God " and nature, but I try to put "cancer" on my side, and not to think or worry about it too much. I live fully for everyday. I will use my time wisely to love and to give my help to other patients, my son, and other children. I hope that as a doctor and also a cancer patient I can be a living example for others. I am always trying my best to find a way, to find some method to deal with the pain and suffering, and to turn things around. If I only thought about my suffering, I may have already died two years ago.
I knew I had to find a way to turn my cancer experiences into something positive. Before I had cancer I was busy working, and I did not know how to knit hats at all. After I lost my hair, I looked old and ugly, and it was difficult for my son to see me looking so sad. He felt sad in school because his Mommy had no hair. In February 2012, I went on Youtube , and learned how to crochet a hat with flowers. When I feel sick, I focus on knitting. At first it was hard, but then I did better and better, and began to come up with ideas for my own hat designs. I gave away over 100 hats that I made to friends, nurses, and doctors who helped me and my family during my anti-cancer journey and treatment.
I know that I am very ill now, and my treatment may not be successful. I may not have too much time left. Death may come to me any time. So I want use my time to give my courage, power, and ability to my son Brian. I want to make him strong enough, and good enough to move on with his life without me. I am not selling hats to make money. We will use the money to make donations to other people and children with cancer. The most important thing is for Brian and me to work on this project together while I still can. I will keep making hats, some of which I will not sell at all. This is what I want to show Brian through this project:
Your Mommy is smart; she can turn yarn into many different products.
Your Mommy may lose her beautiful hair from chemo but she will make the most beautiful hats to make other people pretty.
Your Mommy may be very ill with pain, but she is strong, creative, and wants to help others by giving them love and hope.
Your Mommy may not be with you for a long time like other people’s mothers, but your Mommy's love, care, and power will always be with you, and around you. Mommy will always watch you.
I always keep a graph of the rates of cancer survivors in my mind’s eye. I imagine that chart and that I will be the point outside of chart, or on the top of the chart.
No matter when I die and how I die, I will be very proud myself. I did the best I could in my life, as a mother, as a friend, and as a doctor. I gave all of my heart to this world that is full of the love. I will never give up and I will fight to my last breath to love. I want to be a role model for my little boy.